I find myself trying to do it all-taking my kid to karate lessons, church, then rehearsals for Adventurers (a Christian “Boys & Girls Club” of sorts), and then there’s school, haircuts at the barbershop, playdates, doctor’s appointments, etc.
Truthfully, I am tired just writing about it!
It is impossible for one person to do it all (and not breakdown). Yet, when relief comes in a package that seeks to drive me crazy, I push it away, naturally. This is at times to my detriment, though, because I can fight to be right. But, at what cost? Frankly, I am still mad over the last boundary that was crossed. Thus, my go-to answer is No. Not again, as a way of protecting my sanity. Is it fair to keep allowing the same toxic behaviors to happen over and over again? Herein lies the conflict- trying to get everything done in my own strength versus accepting relief from an unlikely party. Is there a way to simply bypass the craziness? Like, can’t we all just get along and coparent in peace? Is that even possible? I am in-between setting healthy boundaries and losing my mind!
The answer: Go with God.
He knows the end from the beginning and all of the uncertainties in the middle. Allowing visits is not about me. Although the toxicity is real and palpable; so is the depletion of my energy. What is the resolve?
As a single mom, there is a funny balance between trying to cope with mistreated on one hand, and needing some breathing space (#metime) on the other. It would be awesome if our interactions were a lot smoother. However, that is not the case! Plus, I am doing all of the busywork, like making sure homework is done, and parts are memorized for special programs, while Fun Dad swoops in with new clothes and toys and birthday party outings! And, just like that, my contributions go seemingly unnoticed.
Like many other women, I am battling erasure. We face so much internal trauma that no one notices until we are old and grey, decrepit and senile. When the damage is done, people ironically ask: ‘How did she lose her mind?’ The answer? Well, it came from years of degradation, manipulation and the drive to fulfill unrealistic expectancies, with no regard to her wellbeing. Women have thus become second-class citizens. Where is our lifeline? Who but God, comes to our aid?
Although Single Mom life is not monolithic, it does, in fact, come with its unique challenges.
What now? I can trust that God has my best interests at heart, even when He guides me into making decisions that make no sense… to me. He will vindicate me in His time and in His own way. In the meantime, obedience will simply have to be my saving grace.
Ahhh. Ok. I hope this level of transparency helps someone.
Until next time…