I’ve been… in all of the above. But, for the sake of simplicity, let’s focus on the juiciness of love, loss and desire. Love has been my desire for so long, by way of connection. I’ve always wanted to feel like I belonged to someone, something-a cause bigger than myself. But, this longing was always unmet. People told me my feelings were:
- symptoms of lustful desires
- a sin, or
- the need for validation
So many voices with a myriad of opinions, Scripture and condemnation left me in the dark. I searched to connect in relationships that left me wanting. The men either showed interest at first, and then faded away, wanted more than I was willing to give (and not only sexually), or were extremely possessive. I Never quite mastered the art of attracting what I wanted or needed. I simply attracted who I was or the broken parts of me.
Vulnerability-the state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally (Oxford Dictionary). Sounds about right. My experiences in toxic relationships are the epitome of this definition. However, the feelings of wanting love, are justified. “It is not good for man to be alone.” God created us as social beings, and yet, there was this disconnect. The longing for more was ok; it’s just the avenue just needed to change.
What I am searching for is love/compassion/desire/and completion. I don’t need a man to complete me. What I do need is to fulfill the desires of my heart-owning a business, empowering others, and being the woman I am becoming. This quest for love has circled back to me. Wow. The love I need comes from me. I can only love you: a man, a friend, a (fill in the blank) as much as I love myself.
What an epiphany. On that note, I’ll let that marinate.
Until next time…