Ignoring what hurts.
What a heavy statement. Just hearing this makes me cringe. Am I ignoring what hurts? What hurts? Great. Now I’m in psychotherapy-mode. What is happening to me right now? Why am I unsettled?
Questions that need to be answered…
I have been ignoring the hurt of not being where I envision myself in life-at home, school, and play (which translates to my living situation, my unfinished Masters degree, and my social/romantic life.) There you have it. All spread out on a platter-my soul, my guts (ok, that’s a little dramatic). My vulnerability is before you! (Yep, that’s it). Now, if I could invite you into my world for just a moment, please, indulge me.
I came across a young lady who asked me why I go to church and I couldn’t answer her question without second guessing the auto-response that came out of my mouth. I said ‘I go to church for community,’ to which she replied, ‘The church doesn’t even go out into the community.’ Hmm. Whew! That’s a truth. However, I explained I go to church to be part of a community, to be around people who can support me in my faith. Now, as I think about her question even further, I have yet to find that support system I long for. I still feel alone, with or without church. The question then remains, ‘Why do I still go?’ (Hope?) Why go if I am not being fed? I’m still lonely. I feel disconnected from the “sense of community” I’ve been seeking. That partnership, people inviting me to just hang out. I need that camaraderie!
So, is it just a church problem…
Why is there always this missing link? I walk away from church with the same issues I walked in there with. No matter how much support I get morally, my situation has not changed. Have I grown mentally the pain? Yes. But, where is the physical manifestation of my wants and dreams? Will I ever finish school? Will the roadways ever clear towards getting this apartment? Is life always going to be this damn hard? My gosh! I am sick of dealing with these stresses! Year after year, battle after argument, leaves the same result-no change. What is keeping me from advancing to the next level?
I don’t know. Is it faith? Do I believe I can make it out? Do I believe I can graduate? No. I don’t believe I will ever get this degree, even though I am less than six credits away from completion. Success is fleeting. It does not seem tangible for me. I have prayed and fasted for an apartment and haven’t gotten it. It’s heartbreaking and I am mad at God for not providing my heart’s desires. I suffered burnout shortly after Spring Break, and as a result, I stopped doing my coursework. Hence, the Incomplete I am receiving this semester. Home/school and parenting have been difficult areas to navigate. There is a disconnect. I am functioning on autopilot. Cruising. Nothing makes sense, nothing matters. It is debilitating.
So, why do I share this personal ish with you? Because, I care about our well-being. If you feel alone, you aren’t. The first step is acknowledging your pain in order to begin recovery. Restoration is a process. Submit to it at your own pace.
Confide in a friend. Embrace therapy. Do what your soul is crying out for.
Until next time…