Learning How to Love Being With Self

It’s been a while since I’ve cherished being with myself. I usually feel lonely. Like what everyone else is doing outside matters, and I’m this shell of a woman who’s stuck in the house in seclusion. But, I' am actually with the person who will be with me for the rest of my life, and I need to learn how to love her well.

My recent trip to Bali, Indonesia taught me how to just be. It was a magical time where I retreated with fifteen other women in a luxurious villa that sat atop a rain forest. We were covered in leaves and lush greenery from the entrance to the villa and all throughout pathways I haven’t even discovered. To say it was magical is just a glimpse of how soul-filling my experience was. I came home to myself - a safe haven I didn’t know existed on this magnitude. My mind was at ease, when its norm was riddled with anxiety. I practiced breathing through my thinking mind and exhaling from my body to find rest and be the grounded.

I was in an environment of peace, meditation and intention. So I adapted. Everything the Balinese people do is with a purpose - from how they worship, to their daily sacrifices, and even in the way they prepare meals. For this New Yorker who’s accustomed to the rush (and also bothered by it), I was pleasantly surprised by how people took their time with life. They also greeted us with heartfelt smiles when we passed by in town. Now, the marketplaces had a different vibe, which reminded me of a pseudo Canal Street. But, even those areas had high levels of decency and respect. Common courtesy was second-nature on the roads and while being serviced at restaurants, art studios, and the elephant sanctuary, just to name a few. I felt warm and welcomed into a space that affirmed my humanity.

As a black woman, living in the States, it is all too common to recognize the power and “presumable” threat of your blackness, while being overlooked by the oppressive act of erasure. We are taught our existence is a burden to society, which becomes more laborious when we bare children. Our offspring are seen as insignificant, when we know the power that lies within their little bodies. Further, no one really comes to our aid when we’re in strife, as the world seems to watch us suffer with no regard. And, why? Because we are “strong, black women.” A moniker that is “our friend” and our foe. We praise ourselves for the strength of our resilience, yet are cumbered by our desires to be soft.

We can coexist in this dichotomy because we are complex humans who deserve to dance in the nuances of life, just like everybody else.

Sitting pretty at Zest Ubud in Bali.

So I sit here.

In my softness.

Loving my person.

Embracing my solitude.

And turning up when I feel like it.

I bring the aromatic vibes of Bali with me as I stare out of my window onto the beachfront. Allowing myself, in this moment, to be soft. To love life. To sit with intention and not regret. I am grateful for the little ways God shows me that He loves me, like the comfort of being alone without desiring to be anywhere. And, why? Because my mind is at ease.

Those suffering with anxiety long for a peaceful mind. Many people take this for granted until thoughts are racing in their heads or their hearts are palpitating. If you know, you know. I’ve been there. So I praise God for the rest I am experiencing now.

Letting go taught me how to be grateful in the moment. We further practiced this type of release during Nyepi - a Balinese day of silence. There was no talking. No noise. No chatter. We were simply one with self. I noticed the birds singing that have been there the whole time, by the way. But, it wasn’t until I was quiet, that I heard them. We also we journaled and I figured out what my inner child was craving. To feel alive again as a fashion designer. (So the sketchbooks are out and the photo shoots are in session!) I vowed to make her dreams come true.

Thus, as I end on this note of being with self, it’s okay to also love the presence of others. This is the duality of life, where one is not more important than the other. Both are valued. Both are needed.

Love the relationship you have with YOU.

Take care.